It turns out that I have a weakness for loser villains. I like them, and I think about ways to make them effective...or just funny.
In that spirit, here's the Griffin, a set of characteristics that never seem to amount to anything. Oh, the individual fight might be tough but he makes no plans and is obviously a pawn for others. Even Nick Fury uses him this way.
Griffin
EXTERIOR PARK NIGHT.
CLOSEUP of someone laying down a Slim Jim, then stepping away.
SHOT OF DARKNESS and a SNUFFLING SOUND.
CUT TO the place where the Slim Jim was. It's gone.
PULL BACK to reveal CARR with a sack by his side, methodically laying down Slim Jims as he backs away.
CARR
Good boy. That's a good boy. SERIES OF CUTS showing CARR backing home, slowly, laying down Slim Jims all the way.
TITLE CARD: The Jobbers of Evil.
CUT TO INT LIVING ROOM. DUVAL and PARKS are on the couch.
DUVAL
What a day. First, I go to case a bank in Atlantic City, and it gets robbed while I'm there. Squirrel Girl got them. Amateurs. I mean, Squirrel Girl.
PARKS
Drink?
DUVAL
Merci. Then I went to buy some liquor--because of the stress--and discovered that in the confusion someone had lifted my credit card, the one I paid extra for so it wouldn't be questioned.
PARKS
The gold one.
DUVAL
So I had to steal the liquor. Fortunately I was in the city. Won't be traced back here.
PARKS
(Watches DUVAL drink)
I had a rough day too. I had this craving for a s'more. Like you cannot believe. But when you're made of light, you can't.
DUVAL
A s'more?
PARKS
Graham wafer, marshmallow, chocolate. Oh my god. Heaven. Better than sex.
DUVAL
Watch your mouth. CARR enters and goes to the FRIDGE. He starts loading his sack with meat.
CARR
Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Paul, I borrowed that credit card of yours. I needed some Slim Jims.
DUVAL
That's where it went. Slim Jims? They're like a Euro a pack.
CARR
I needed six hundred. My credit card wouldn't cover it.CUT TO INTERIOR THE PARKING GARAGE
DUVAL
Why is the Griffin in our parking garage?
CARR
I have a plan. COMMERCIAL BREAK
INTERIOR LIVING ROOM
PARKS
Iron Man first, then Hawkeye.
CARR
Think of Hawkey as a warm-up.
DUVAL
People are going to find the Griffin, and we'll be found. You know what that means.
PARKS
(darkly)
Squirrel Girl.
CARR
See, I was thinking you could petrify him. We could store him that way. We have an empty storage space.
DUVAL
I'm not going down every hour to stone him again. What if I'm late?
(beat)
Besides, the storage area is full.
CARR
Full? We don't have anything--
PARKS
This is why you disappear every hour. You're not smoking at all.
DUVAL
Linda. She likes it. Being stoned, I mean.
CARR
That's just one person. We could still--
DUVAL
Well, she called two friends, and they called...
CARR
How many are there?
PARKS
Wait...you're storing them there?
DUVAL
I make a little cash from renting it. It's off the books.CARR and PARKS look at him.
Just at night. It's cheaper than an apartment.
(beat)
And some of them pay me with favours.
CARR
How many? Total I mean, not favours.DUVAL pulls out a small notebook, pages through it.
DUVAL
Seventeen...no, sixteen, because Miranda went back to her mother.
CARR
Paul, we've got the Griffin in our parking garage. I figured you'd be able to store him. You can't if the storage room is full.
DUVAL
Well, that's why it was a bad idea for you to lure the Griffin.
CARR
Okay. We've got three doctorates between us, we can figure this out.
PARKS
What about that polymer you invented that makes the change permanent?
DUVAL
Kills them. And I like Linda. And Sophie. And, mon Dieu, Jennifer. How could I forget Jennifer?
CARR
I'm a little uncomfortable with mass murder anyway.
PARKS
Liberal.
CARR
Trying being a black man with an academic degree and a criminal record.
PARKS
Trying being a light beam.
CARR
Listen, Sunshine...
DUVAL
Gentlemen... Mes amis. We have a problem here.
PARKS
Right. Can we train the Griffin? Calvin got him to eat the Slim Jims.
CARR
You've never had a dog. We can't train him in one night.
DUVAL
I have an idea.CUT TO INT PARKING GARAGE ELEVATOR
PARKS
I refuse.
CARR
It does make sense.
PARKS
I will not be a laser pointer to lure him away. I have my dignity.
DUVAL
Look, we have the Griffin during the day and the women at night. Until we figure out what to do with him.
CARR
I wonder if Purina makes a chow for him?
(The others are looking at him.)
He can hunt for his own food at night.
PARKS
I can't eat. I can't drink. I refuse to become a laser pointer.
CARR
(Inspired)
We'll watch Voyager with you.
PARKS
Well....
DUVAL
Seven of Nine is very hot.
PARK
Who cares? The holodeck. Hard light...so very, very hard...
CARR
(He can't believe he's saying this.)
Yes. The holodeck is very...hot.
PARKS
Every episode with the holodeck?
(thinks)
I'll do it. TITLE CARD: The Jobbers of Evil.
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